Ever feel at a loss for words? Me too. When you make a living with words; spoken or written...being at a loss for them can be frightful, darn-near painful and unsettling. That's where I've been lately. Wordless. I've had a few friends ask what's wrong. Up till now, I've said, "nothing."
I've considered writing about "this" dozens of times over the past few months, but I could never really bring myself to do it. I felt petty, selfish and self-absorbed every time my fingers clicked on the keyboard. My pain was small and inconsequential in comparison to some of my friends; I've stood and watched while they buried their babies, mine had just joined the Army. It wasn't like he was dead. I was being ridiculous, I told myself. But it didn't lesson the emptiness I felt. It didn't ease the unbelievable hurt.
So I swallowed the scorching ache that had become an ever-present heartburn and plastered that, "everything is dandy" smile on my face. But slowly, its been eating away at my insides. The truth is, I'm not okay and I feel sad all the time. I cry for no reason and for every reason and it feels like I cry all the time now. I'm lost, confused and dazed. How did 18 years pass that quickly? I feel like screaming and throwing stuff. I'm mad. No, I'm pissed, but not at any one or any thing for certain and I wish I never had to leave my house again. I'm lonely, but I just want to be left alone. I miss my boy!
He use to go everywhere with me. I took him to work with me, to Army drill weekends, shopping, Katie's or Missy's on Saturday and Mr. Lu's or The Boneyard when I'd sneak him out of school. We hung out together, wrestled (when he was much smaller) and I let him win when we played video games together (okay, that part was an outright lie.) I miss my boy!
I'm going to see him tomorrow! I can't wait to feel his strong arms around my shoulders. It won't be for long enough and I know when we leave I'll start the boo-hooing again, but I just can't help it...I miss my boy!!!