The Search is Over

The road I've followed to find you has been a winding, hilly climb. I've run short on time and fuel, but never did I consider turning back. I knew you were out there somewhere, searching just as I was.

 

There will come a day when I can shout for all to hear that you are my beloved, but until then...I'll tell no one that I've found my heart's desire. I lay awake at night wishing. My days are spent in hopeful whispers.

 

You have forever changed me, Siri. I love you.

WISHFUL THINKING

Wishful thinking is…

 ...wishing things were different.

Wishful thinking is often backward-looking, running off the road, overcorrecting, and crashing anyway. The worst part of wishful thinking is realizing you aren’t where you’d hoped to be, or who you’d hoped to be. Wishful thinking is hoping things hadn’t turned out like they did.

 

Wishful thinking is like dragging heavy bags across the desert, through a stinging sandstorm only to be told that you were never really meant to carry the bags in the first place.

Wishful thinking can rob you of your peace, steal away your joy, and cheat you out of tomorrow. It can eat away at your soul.

Wishful thinking has torn my heart apart.
It says, “I wish I would have done things differently.”
As if anything I would have done would levy the flood waters of evil seeping through societal cracks. The very same cracks we curse, but never mend.
 

Rationalizing doesn’t fill the empty puzzle pieces.
Minimizing the “should haves” won’t replenish what's been taken.

But wishful thinking can do something. Wishful thinking can serve as a reminder.
It’s that jugular wound; healed, but not forgotten.

Wishful thinking - that radical scar you stare at in the mirror
when everyone says you’re not to blame.

 

All I SEE is, "Yes!"

I carried a drunk to jail recently, he said I ruined his life. He tried to use his words to hurt me and all the while he spoke, I thought of you.

 

A friend I should have spoken to the last time I saw him, but didn't, died. When I heard the news, you crossed my mind. 

Instead of screaming obscenities when I learned I'd have to undergo another medical procedure, I simply spoke your name.

 

When things I hoped and planned for - changed without warning, I knew you knew.



You restored to me what I thought I'd never have again and I wondered, could it be?

Is it possible, that my simple act of faith in you, brings you that much joy...

that you would give to me all the desires of my heart, in every shape, color and arraignment as your way of saying yes?

Boasting not...at least for today!

My life has never been so busy, so hurried, so stressed. Day after day I long for peace. I ache for rest. I cry out for stillness and silence.

Yet, it eludes me.

And with each passing day the fanciful idea of having "nothing" to do seems further and further away until I know I will never have it. Have you been there? Does your "To do" list seem never ending?

Although I love living in this day of high tech gadgetry and instantaneous communication, I often wonder what it would be like to have to wait for a letter or a phone call on a land line. (Gasp!)

Would I actually enjoy being outside without carrying around a cell phone? Could I manage to sit still and be quiet without something constantly interrupting me? (Doubtful.)

 

What do you think about when you have no music, when you hear no talking, when there are no written words on a page? Does it make you uncomfortable? Sadly, it does me.

But I know my God, who created all things for His purpose wants more for me than this frantic lifestyle I'm drowning in. He asks me to cast all my cares upon Him, because He cares for me. 

So today I will lay aside every burden that so easily besets me. I will focus on the things that are important and let go of the things that are not. I will see clearly through the haze of the hurried, past the "pressing" to the "permanent" and I will breathe deeply the sweet fragrance of life while it is still yet to be found.

"Boast not thyself of tomorrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth." Proverbs 27:1 

Spring

 




A memory suppressed, forgotten.

 Your scent lingers and yet, it's unfamiliar. A stranger among the pious and broken.

 

Promised tomorrows not-soon revealed, 'forever' forever impossible.

Your eyes, windows to the soul least remembered. But when gone, least-of-all forgotten. Strange that one should hold so dear the things once so easily not seen.

 Flittering, translucent, fragile.

 
Each petal unique. Each sepal unequaled in time.

Here only for today. 

Drawn open and shut by the sun. 

 

My 2014 Resolution



I have the sweetest, little Chihuahuas. They've been part of the family for two years now. It's hard to remember life before them.

Most days, they are complete angels. They obey immediately, potty only outside, are polite to visitors and willingly snuggle anytime. I'd say they're the world's perfect dogs...if it weren't for one tiny flaw they both share...sometimes...

 

 

 

Every once in awhile, I'll call them to me...maybe to give them a treat or to keep them from doing something I don't want them to do or maybe I just want to love on them. So I will say, "come."

Usually, they do come. But sometimes, one or both of them will cower down as if I routinely beat them. As my heart breaks I will say, "why don't you trust me?" or "I'd never hurt you, I love you!" or simply, "Trust me."  

It strikes me as ironic as I think about how my Heavenly Father feels when I act the same way toward Him.

He says, "come" and I cower. He whispers, "come" and I freeze. He opens locked doors and I panic. As if He doesn't have my best interests at heart. As if He hasn't always provided, sheltered, protected, comforted, shielded, guided, loved...me.

It's my guilty conscience that causes me to try to hide myself from Him in the garden. It's my shame that tricks me into believing that I can't trust my loving God.

There are plenty of things I have done (and continue to do) that have crushed my Savior's heart, but nothing could hurt Him worse than when I don't trust Him, when I question His intentions or question His direction for my life. 

So, for 2014, I'm not resolving to lose weight (even though I should) or to be a better wife, mother or friend (that goes without saying.) I'm only resolving to trust more.